Thursday, 17 February 2011

Airport Security

Not being able to sleep on airplanes makes me a right royal arsehole when I disembark. This in turn inflames my rage toward my number one pet hate of checks.

Returning from overseas after a long flight, I land at Sydney airport lugging my work laptop and a knapsack via hand luggage. I then retrieve my suitcase via the carousel. After going through all my possessions with the intrusive gung-ho security staff at the international gates, I then check my suitcase back on so I can catch a domestic flight to Melbourne.

I line up for another security check to get onto my final flight...well hopefully. I place my laptop and wallet on a tray and shove it through the all seeing conveyor belt, then walk through the sensor. "Beep", keys, "Beep", belt...and no beep. I repack the laptop on the other side for the seventeenth time, then attempt to make my way to the gate where my plane will shortly leave. Out of nowhere I am approached by a security staff member with a wand and a piece of paper.

Security: "Excuse me sir would you like to partake in a random security check?"
Me: "No"
Security: "Can you kindly read this?"

He hands me a piece of paper to read. I knew I should have shaved.

Me: "What does this say?"
Security: "Just kindly read it sir."

In the exhaustive state I'm in, I attempt to read but nothing registers. I hand it back.

Security: "So would you like to partake in a random security check?"
Me: "I have a choice don't I?"
Security: "Yes"
Me: "Then. No!"

He hands me back the paper to read.

Security: "Can you kindly read this?"

I then reattempt to read his precious text only to realise my brain just doesn't care for the task. Again, I hand it back.

Me: "Why don't you just tell me what's on this paper?"
Security: "It states that if you don't participate in the security check, we have the right to not allow you on the plane.

So many options, so little time.

Me sarcastically: "I'd love to take part in this random security check!" ^_^

Fucking arsehole.

He continues over to a different desk where he further examines my laptop. He fits an attachment to his wand and starts waving it over the laptop. Some sick security ritual I guess.

Security: "Hmmmm"

What does hmmmm mean?

Me: "What's going on?"
Security: "It's just read positive"
Me: "Positive? Positive for what?"
Security: "Explosives"
Me: "EXPLOSIVES!?! It's a laptop!"
Security: "It may have been that during the course of your trip, the bag was in contact with explosives"
Me: "No! No! No! The bag was NOT in contact with explosives"

Surrounding people become alerted to my raised voice. In a split second, I have somehow become a part of the Taliban.

Me: "So what happens now?"
Security: "I test it two more times. If it reads two out of three times positive I will have to body search you."

I pause for a second but inside my head it feels like an eternity. o_0 I visualize myself naked on all fours with this bastard getting ready to go in with a thin layer of latex. I quickly sum up my fears. He's going up my arse...HE'S GOING UP MY ARSE!

He waves his wand a second time...deafening silence. No beep.

He waves his wand a third arse cheeks clench. No beep.

Security: "You’re good to go sir."

Thank you gracious Lord. My arse remains a virgin. I rush to my plane where cabin crew and fellow passengers pierce daggers through me, as all this time I have been holding up the plane. The plane takes off and eventually lands at Tullamarine. "Sigh". Melbourne. Sweet Melbourne. How I have longed to touch your soil again. I grab my knapsack and explosive laptop and wait at the carousel for my suitcase. Whilst waiting I try to start my body's power save mode only to spot fifty metres away my next downfall. A sniffer dog. A beagle to be exact. I have travelled for ten hours now and stink. All my dirty clothes in my knapsack stink. My laptop smells of explosives. Let the games begin.

The beagle pulls his fat arse security guard partner over my way and starts sniffing my knapsack. I fantasize about the dog being rolled up into a ball and placed in front of a soccer goal, where I execute the winning goal for my team via a memorable penalty shot.

Security: "How are you today sir?"
Me: "Awesome"
Security: "Do you have any foods, plants or illegal substances in your bag?"
Me: "No. Just clothes".
Security: "Well my little friend here says you do"

A new fantasy unravels in my head of me biting chunks of flesh out of this woman’s fat face.

Me: "Well he'd be wrong."
Security: "Security dogs are well trained sir and hardly ever make mistakes"
Me: "So what do you want me to do?"
Security: "Could you kindly open your bag sir?"

You cannot open a navy blue canvas knapsack and see what inside, because it's simply too dark. Either you fill it up or empty it. So there I was, in the middle of Tullamarine airport with my jocks, socks and all sorts across the floor, with this insidious mutt sniffing through my already soiled clothes.

Security: "Oh well, even security dogs make mistakes"

She waddles off with Fido. I repack my now dog infested clothes into the knapsack and continue waiting at the carousel for my suit case. I try to go to a happy place.

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